All Gold things must come to an end and mine is just days away. How cute is Andrew? He keeps sending me little reminder emails that my "gold membership expires in approximately 4.28 days" and tells me that I just have to renew. I don't think Allyson will let me, but who knows. It's worth a shot, but I don't feel needled to write in here anymore - especially now that my computer is bugged. If I had a private "other journal" I certainly can't write in it any longer from home. So I guess I'll just have to open another one and write in it from school or something - but they track everything there too so I guess I'm just shit outta luck.

So things are fine but I'm really starting to notice the affects of not taking my meds. I haven't had them in several weeks and things are getting really shitty again. Either it's the meds wearing off or I really am miserable and need a "Plan B". I think it's a combination of both really so I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll just lock this journal and that way nobody but me can read it (and you of course - I'd never leave you out of the loop). But without the cool layout and pictures and stuff - boring. Maybe I'll just click "renew" on "accident" and then she'll just have to deal. I work for a living - I bring home a paycheck - why shouldn't I get to keep my gold status? Hell yeah! I'm keepin' my gold status and if she doesn't like it...too damn bad! Who's got the balls now bitch!? HAHAHAHA (Okay, that was taking it a little too far don't you think?) Yeah, it's the meds. But I am miserable too. I'm in a VERY UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION right now and I don't know what to do. Slitting my wrists has never sounded better to be perfectly honest with you. Oh great, now she's going to freak out on me and we'll need to "talk about it" or she'll send me running to the Bishop. Ya know, sometimes I hate having a testimony - it really makes things so much effing harder. If I could just bail that'd be one thing, but I know what I know and that's what sucks the most! Either way - I lose and someone (most likely me) is going to get hurt. How come this always keeps happening to me? Why can't I just learn my lesson and move on with my damn life and let all the bullshit and the baggage go and just love myself? Why do I have to torture myself and constantly be in a state of misery and in a pretend world where I don't belong? When is the perfect little bubble I'm surrounded by going to be pushed out to the maximum and burst? I hate myself with each and every damn day that passes by. I don't feel good about myself when I try and make the honest effort and "do the things I should" and I don't feel good about myself when I'm not doing all that work. So what the hell is all this for? When is enough enough? When is someone going to look at me for the person I am and see the real me? When will I ever feel safe enough to just let it all go? It's never a good time, or a "right time" to have any kind of conversation that I keep thinking needs to happen. And even if I do I still lose big time! I will lose everything I have in the world and SO MUCH MORE if I should ever take that step. I will be cut off from so much happiness and love that I really think I would die. So what do I do? Do I keep on "acting" and cherish every minute or do I break free and risk losing it all? Then what do I have? I have a washer, a dryer, and a 27" television. I hate being me right now more than I ever have ever before and I've never felt more like this is the time for me and that scares the holy hell out of me. I am at a total loss for what to do next or where I can turn or what I'm supposed to do. If I could pack a bag and hop in the car and get away I would in a red hot second. What ever happens to those guys who "go out for a gallon of milk and never come home"? When did they have time to get shit together? How did they have any money? How did they have a car? See, EVERYTHING is in her name so I'm totally screwed out of everything! I have nothing! I have nowhere to go, and I'm more than positive I'd lose my job seeing as how her sister works for the same place. Plus, I hate how whenever relationships don't work out it's always the OTHER persons fault. Like to her family, "He was such an ass..." and to his family it's, "She was so and so and such and such..." Why can't it ever be, "It just didn't work out and they still love each other, but they know it can't work out. They both deserve extreme happiness and love and they're not getting it with each other. I wish them both well and I hope that we'll see each other in the future and that all will be well for them..."? Wouldn't that be the mature and right thing to do instead of placing blame? Couldn't they maybe try, "Yeah he was an ass, but she was no peach either..."? I just don't understand the onesided thing that goes along with it all. And what happens to mutual friends? You know they always pick sides and talk shit about the other one behind their backs even if they do fake it to their face. Perfect example, Tracy and Kevin. When the shit hit the fan with them it was all on her because she was caught with her pants down. BUT there was a very clear reason which drove her into the arms of another man. There is a ton of emotional abuse on both parties and I can see that. I love and respect them both for different reasons and I wish them nothing but happiness. WHY can't more people be like me and see both sides? I don't understand why that's so freakin hard.

I'm going to bed - my head hurts and it's 10:10pm and I have to be at school tomorrow from 7am - 5pm! NOT HAPPY!!

Written by Jere at 9:46 p.m.