So my alarm went off as scheduled, and for some reason didn't hear it for SEVEN MINUTES!! Yep, it kept buzzing in my ear for seven minutes before I realized it was going off. So, I missed the beginning of Starting Over so now I'll have to catch the beginning of it when it reruns at 3pm.

In other cool news, I got sucked into Ewan McGregor Revealed with Jules Anser on E! and during the show there was a commercial for a "hot new show on Broadway" called The Karaoke Show. Now, how perfect is this show for me?!?!? HELLO, I just won $1,230.00 at a Karaoke Contest here in Arizona!! So, I got brave and emailed them and asked how to get an audition to be a part of the show. I got an email back from them that says, "Dear Jere, Let us know when you�re coming to NYC and then we'll have you audition at the show during the audience free sing part of the evening. Looking forward to your visit, The Karaoke Show." Pretty cool I thought. I'm sure if you were to ask the same question, you'd get the same response, but I thought it was neat nonetheless.

So I got an email from my wife this morning. She essentially had read my journal entry from when I was upset, and then the one where I resolved to move on with my life and not worry so much about everything. Essentially she told me that I would have to start paying $891.12 each month and that would be half of our expenses. Then she added, "This is currently MORE than you�re bringing home each month. Just thought you�d like a little FYI on your breakout." Now, keep in mind that she makes WAY more money than me so it made me laugh. It came across to me like, "Well mister, if you wanna play this game, fine. Fork over YOUR half of which you cannot afford and see how long you last." Either way, I think it's going to get uglier before it can get better. Much like a war. There are little battles that take place which in turn escalate into a full on war which brings about death and destruction which then can start the whole rebuilding process and then the history of it all, looking back in fondness that, without the destruction there wouldn't be the strength there is today. Ya know? Like a rising up from the ashes. I think Al & I are in the beginning stages of war. I'm fed up with her, and the issues at hand, and almost more than anything else, myself. My failures, my frustrations, my mental instability, my anger, my hurt, my inability to communicate (see, I am taking responsibility for myself and my actions!), my weaknesses, my stupid destructive thought processes and bad choices, my lack of understanding, my incompetence, my stupidity, and all around depressing self. I really hate myself a lot right now. I wish I could get to that point in life like you see on Dr. Phil (whom I hate, loathe, and despise mind you - I merely use the name for a reference) where the people just "get it". Something in their head clicks and everything becomes clearer and they are able to move on with their lives. I want that to happen to me. I'm sick of pretending, and faking that. It's so exhausting putting on this facade that I'm a happy guy and that my life is great and that no matter what I know that everything will turn out okay because I have faith and God and whatever else is the programmed, routine answer for everything. I really doubt myself as a person, and I've been having doubts about myself in all areas of my life. My school, my work, my religion, my family, everything. I haven't been true to myself in so long that I don't even know who the real me is anymore! I have been trained to think, act, and feel certain ways about everything in my life. I feel like one of those people at the State Fair at the hypnotist show who has no control over themselves and they are merely doing everything they�ve been programmed to do. I�m waiting for the time to come where the man magically snaps his fingers and I�m awake. I feel like my life is spiraling so quickly out of control, and it�s everything in me to just hold on for another minute. I find myself losing my grip, and like my hands are sweaty, and that at any second I�ll fly off and be dead. I am drowning in my own existence. The air is stagnant and there is a festering deep inside the walls that is suffocating me. I need air! I need out! I need to have that control back. I have to find a way to break free of this madness and find myself again. I want to figure out who the hell I am and find out what my interest really are, and praying and reading my scriptures isn�t going to be the answer for me! God gave me a mind and I believe he wants me to use that mind to figure it out for myself, not just be, to coin a phrase, �a robot�, and blindly follow something I don�t fully believe for myself. Do I have a testimony? You betcha! Am I having struggles? You betcha! Is going to the Bishop to discuss this with him going to help me? Nope. And why not? Because, �Read your scriptures and pray more, and come to church every week� ain�t gonna solve my problems for me. I have to solve them, and clearly, I can�t, and therefore I need some help from someone who can help me � a shrink! Someone who can take all the freakiness in my head and listen to it all, sort through it all, find the things that are real, filter through the bullshit and the fake, and help me find my center, that starting ground, and help me build a solid foundation that no matter what may come my way, I will have a plan, and I will have hope, and I will know that I am a good person with things to offer the world, and that I am of value. So far, I am lacking those things, and I�m done with it. The hopelessness, the worthlessness, the fear of rejection, the fear of letting people down, the gossip that might take place, the shunning, the rumors, the friggin� prayer chain I�m sure to be on when this bomb drops. All of the guilt, the faking, the playing nice and happy, the half-assed attempts to be something and someone that I am so not, the pain of fitting into a mold that I simply can�t fit into. All of these things that run my life for me I am ready to release and get rid of the baggage! I am ready to get my ass in gear and like those lucky women in the Starting Over house, start over. I don�t think those women realize how lucky they truly are to be there. I don�t think they fully understand how helpful the life coaches are in helping them see the big picture. I heard someone bag on the show saying, �What, so these women�s lives became too difficult and so they had to leave the real world to go figure things out?� And the room laughed and supported the notion that these women couldn�t handle themselves or their problems and they essentially were giving up by going into the house. I felt so ashamed because I feel like those women must�ve felt at some point because there is nothing I want to do more than give up, and escape from the world and surround myself with people who support me, don�t judge me for my issues, and spend every moment of every day supporting me, and helping me figure it out. Having life coaches help me asses the real world and asses myself, my thought patterns, my past, my reactions to things, and help me make healthier choices and handle things more objectively instead of defensively. I am so worried about offending everyone else and not being accepted for my true thoughts and feelings that I feel a prisoner to person everyone thinks I am, when all I want to do is quit, give up, stop lying to myself and everyone else, and truly start over. Clean slate, new life, new *real* me.

Is that so much to ask?

Until next time...

Written by Jere at 12:24 p.m.