I really don't have anything to add here, but I don't want to get myself out of the habbit of writing. See, I wrote two really raw emotionally charged journal entries, and now things are a little weird around the house - which is totally understandable. Even when things start feeling "normal" the red flags pop up and the alarm starts roaring in my head. For example, last night was totally going along fine and then it suddenly felt weird. I wish I could describe it in better terms, but it became awkward between Al & I and I didn't know why so I asked her if she was mad at me to which she replied "no", but for some reason I didn't believe her. See, THIS is the problem with an online journal - there is no trust anymore. Your private thoughts and feelings - rants or real - are no longer private. Like, DUH! I knew that going in to this whole online journal thing - ANYONE can read it, but I guess I didn't really think about my wife reading it all the time. See, she has one too, and for a while I had her on my buddy list, but she felt really uncomfortable about having all you people out there knowing she was my wife. That translates into "Jere talk" like, "I am embarrassed of you and do not want people figuring out we're together..." Ya know? So after much bitching and moaning about it I finally took her off my list. I also NEVER read her journal. There's just something inside me that says that I shouldn't. Journals are private and personal, and reading your wife's or husband's journal is just weird and therefore I never have. I, again, realize that they are online for the world to see, but there should be some privacy between spouses. I mean, isn't that EVERYONE'S hang up with these things?!?! "I just don't feel like I can write my TRUE feelings because I'm afraid that the person I'm writing about will be reading it." I try not to let that hold me back. For example I did not write favorably about Porter or McKane in the My Piised Off Night entry, but I didn't let that stop me from expressing myself. Same applies to the two raw emotional entries about my frustrations with myself and my situation. I talked a lot about many of my frustrations, and one of them happened to be my wife, but I was using this journal as an outlet to express myself and my frustrations and anger in a way to purge myself from it tearing me up inside and causing me to have cancer. Yes there was some truth there, but mostly is was a frustrated rant. Nonetheless it hasn't been the same around here, and I fear it won't be again until steps are taken toward therapy. Oh, getting back to the whole, "everything is fine and then the red flags go up..." thing, another perfect example of that would be today. I didn't go to church again, and as I was straightening up the bed I found a printout of my journal that Allyson had copied and sent to herself as an email. Certain parts of it were highlighted such as: well mister if you wanna play this game...I'm fed up with her...I'm sick of pretending, and faking...I haven't been true to myself in so that that I don't even know who the real me is anymore...trained...I need out...I need to have that control back...praying and reading my scriptures isn't going to be the answer for me...all of the guilt, the faking...the half-assed attempts to be something and someone that I am so not, the pain of fitting into a mold that I simply can't fin into...nothing I want to do more than give up, and escape from the world and surround myslef with people who support me, don't judge me for my issues, and spend every moment of every day supporting me, and helping me figure it out (in the margin is a footnote: Who am I?!)...my true thoughts ans feelings...I feel a prisoner to the person everyone thinks I am, when all I want to do is quit...stop lying to myself and everyone else, and truly start over.

Now, what is that all about? It sent up the red flags because what is she planning on doing with that? Is that going to come bite me in the ass someday soon? I ask this and become more cautious because in the past things I write in venting or whatever are used against me. For example, before I had this journal and a long ass time ago Al pissed me off or something I grabbed a yellow legal pad and started writing my frustrations out. Then I wrote a poem as her, from her point of view. Many years later as she was cleaning out my stuff she stumbled upon it and got all upset and cried and was all worried and shit when there was no reason. See, she never should've seen that becuase it was in MY STUFF. If she hadn't've (I made that contraction up myself for 'had not have') been going through my things she never would've found that little rant. Her side of the arguement was that there should be no secrets. I agree to some extent, but you shouldn't go snooping around in each others stuff - WHERE IS THE FREAKIN' TRUST!?!?! See, I am very territorial because my mom would snoop my room and shit all the time, so when my wife starts to do the same thing it sets me off. **Not that she has done any of this recently - like I said this was a year or so ago that this happened** See, that whole control thing, and the snooping thing, and the hold shit against me thing is all stuff that my mother does/did to me my whole freakin' life so it doesn't sit well with me. That's where a lot of my troubles and frustrations with my wife come into play - when she starts to morph into my damn mother. Her side of this arguement is that I force her to be my mom because I can't do anything for myself or that I'm not responsible or whatever. To a degree she is right, but there has got to be a better way to clearly and calmly discuss this matter without it become a knock-down, drag-out fight between us. We go rounds and rounds over this issue, and ALL the issues that strain our marriage. It's like we're a CD with a skip. The CD goes around and everything is fine and then it skips and no longer plays. Then you fast-forward through the skip and everything is fine again for a turn and then you hit that same damn skip. Our fights are always about the same things so clearly they are not being resolved, they are mearly getting fast-forwarded through until we hit the skip again later. Ugh! I know there's a way to get through this. I know there is hope for us. I love my wife! I am crazy in love with her! She seriously puts up with a lot. I am completely messed in the head I've been quite convinced of it seeing as how I've been told that I am since I was eight years old. BUT, I do not agree that I am the only one with the problems, or that I am the root/cause of all the problems. My whole life I've been told that I am the cause of the problem, that I am the screw up, that I am the one with mental problems. I started seeing shrinks when I was eight years old. When that one couldn't "fix me" to my mom's liking I was sent to another one. This went on like this until I turned 13. It was half way through my eighth grade year and I was sent to a mental institution because my mom was tired of me. She couldn't deal with me any longer and I wasn't getting "fixed" so I was sent away to be "fixed". I was checked in on December 7th and was released on February 14th! Yep, happy Valentine's Day to me! THREE MONTHS I spent in there! THREE! I was never medicated, I had no restrictions, and I was only classified as "depressed" because they couldn't find any other real reason for me to be there - no other real problem that would require my admittance for a three month stay at the mental hospital. When I got out of there I played nice with my mom because I didn't want to ever have to go back, but after time I was seeing more shrinks. I switched schools FOUR times between Kindergarden and High School. Oh, and I forgot to mention that my crazy ass mom moved us across the freakin' country two weeks before my sophomore year in high school! We moved from a small town outside of Chicago where all of my extended family on my mom and dad's side of the family all were, to Mesa, Arizona! 2000+ miles away! I hated my mom for doing that to me and taking me away from everything and everyone I knew and dragged me to this hotter than hell desert. Then, funny enough, I started therapy again. I was sixteen years old and I was taken to Central Christian Church and had to meet with the pastor for counseling because of my anger toward my mom and such. I walked into his office, sat down and said, "You don't know me, you don't give a shit about me, you just want my money. I'm not re-telling my life story for the fourbillionth time, so let's just save time and say that I'm "fixed" okay?" He shrugged his shoulders and smirked and said, "Okay." I turned around and walked down the stairs and out to the car where my mom was waiting, got in and said, "I'm fixed!" and we drove home. That was the last time I went to a shrink. Well, until I turned like 23 or something like that. I couldn't deal with all the shit in my life and so I went to the Bishop at church and told him I wanted some therapy and he agreed so I went to the Mormon Shrink place and was told that I am a sex addict and that I need to pray and read my scriptures and talk more with my Bishop. WHAT THE FUH?!?! So, I went to three visits with this dumb bitch and then never went back. What a waste of time! See why I have reservations about going BACK to the same place for therapy now?!?!?! Hello?!?!?! I already know what they're going to tell me, "Read your scriptures and continue to pray about it, and keep going to church" becuase Heaven forbid you not go to church... So, I have some serious issues with "church therapy". UGH! I hate my life! On the upshot of my life I am going to Chicago on Friday to audition for Six Flags and I really hope I get the job! I really, really, really, really want this job! So, I have to go memorize some monologues and stuff. Sorry I'm dumping on you all again. Gosh, you're all going to stop reading my journal if I don't perk up really soon. That's one of my biggest problems with D-Land. Stumbling upon someones journal that is always depressing and sob-story after sob-story. It's like, "Shit! Quit yer bitchin' and do something about it and find your damn happy place already!" So I think this is truly going to be my last emotional entry. From today on I'm going to be upbeat, spunky, and full of joy like the old me on here was. So, look forward to the next *happy* entry. LOL!!

Until next time...

Written by Jere at 2:26 p.m.